The Outlaw Jersey Whale


The big news this week in reality TV’s “The Republican Primary” occurred when erstwhile contestant Chris Christie clutched at the dimming spotlight around him by endorsing GOP circus ringmaster Donald Trump for president. This development was an entertaining coda to the zaftig ex-governor’s failed campaign, but it also might portend bad tidings for cannabis advocates.

Pundits said Christie’s endorsement was the his way of glomming on to some of that sweet, sweet attention that Trump has been hogging for the past nine months. That, and by hitching his wagon to Trump’s star, Christie was signaling his availability for a cabinet position in an Il Douche Administration. Some opined that Christie was vying for the veep slot, but that’s an unlikely coupling. Trump doesn’t need an obnoxious loud-mouthed bully from the Northeast on his ticket, he’s got that demographic covered.

No, what Christie wants to be is Attorney General of the United States.  Kissing up to Trump is a first step toward that abomination, and if such a nightmare ever came to pass it would be awful for the country, and possibly devastating for marijuana enthusiasts.

The former New Jersey governor is not your bud.

The first red flag was the George Washington Bridge fiasco. Shutting down the busiest bridge in the country in order to punish a minor political rival (allegedly!) is a level of jejune pettiness that even Republicans couldn’t abide. If Christie is capable of such pointless malfeasance for the sake of bullying people he doesn’t like, imagine the mischief the outlaw Jersey whale would inflict as the nation’s top law prosecutor. We needn’t wonder what Christie would do to marijuana-legal states, because he’s already told us:

“Marijuana is against the law in the states and it should be enforced in all 50 states,” the New Jersey governor said on ‘Fox and Friends’ last year. “That’s the law and the Christie administration will support it.” Lest there was any confusion as to his intentions, he added, “If you’re getting high in Colorado today, enjoy it. As of January 2017, I will enforce the federal laws.”

Christie, like many anti-pot know-nothings, has derided cannabis as a “gateway drug.” (Even D.A.R.E. has abandoned that idiotic line of attack.) “We have an enormous addiction problem in this country,” Christie told radio host and conservative fluffer Hugh Hewitt. “And we need to send very clear leadership from the White House on down through the federal law enforcement. Marijuana is an illegal drug under federal law. And the states should not be permitted to sell it and profit from it.”

Trump himself has been mostly coy on his own position regarding legalization. (Who can know what’s true and what’s bullshit with him anyway?) But Christie sounds like he’s jonesing to kick ass and take names.  In other areas where individual freedoms are threatened by police state strong-arming, guess who the former prosecutor sides with.  Remember when he said, “You can’t enjoy your civil liberties if you’re in a coffin”? Talk about morbidly obtuse!

So when Christie dropped out of the race, weed lovers breathed a brief smoky sigh of relief. But now that he’s cozying up to the front runner, it’s time to get a anxious again. Christie as president would have been a horrorshow for the country. Christie qua attorney general would be disastrous.


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